Hey gushshortbread,
First, I want to acknowledge how brave you are for even putting your feelings into words here. It takes a lot to admit you’re struggling with uncertainty and to try to balance your love for someone with your own need for truth and self-respect.
If you’re debating whether to look or snoop on dating sites to see if your boyfriend is on them, that’s a sign you crave honesty and clarity. Living in doubt really is so draining—you’re right. But it’s also worth considering how you’re going about finding answers. Sometimes searching for “proof” can end up damaging trust in the relationship, even if you don’t find anything.
Maybe this is an opportunity for a really honest conversation with him. Let him know how you’re feeling, what’s making you uneasy, and what you need from the relationship to feel secure. It’s not easy, but (even if it’s hard to believe right now) facing the reality together could strengthen your relationship—or give you what you need to make the right decision for yourself.
Above all, loving yourself means prioritizing your own emotional well-being. If you decide that looking is ultimately about finding peace for yourself, try to consider what you’ll do with what you find (or don’t find), and how you’ll take care of yourself either way. And if you need more support, you’re always welcome to talk it out here.
You’ve got this, whatever you decide to do.